|Posted on February 23, 2017 at 10:55 PM||comments (0)|
Hey there everyone,
Robert here, better known as Your Geeky Tipster, and I think it's time for some serious changes.
As many of you know, I am a long time sufferer of anxiety and depression. It's an ongoing struggle that I often deal with and one of my main outlets for dealing with it is YouTube. I love making videos and hosting live streams for my audience. It's become my primary escape when overcoming the struggles of life. Having said that, I think I've been pushing myself too far.
Over the past few years, I've dealt with many things in my personal life that have been both stressful and contributed to further progressing my anxiety and depression. Stress at work, in my family, over finances and many other things have overwhelmed me in ways that I can't even begin to communicate properly.
At the same time, I have made efforts to step up my game on YouTube. Things like providing daily content and engaging with my audience regularly. I want to make something great of my channel and I've always believed that hard work and dedication can help you achieve anything. And while I certainly enjoy creating content and engaging with you all, I also feel like I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself to deliver. For example, I had a literal breakdown last night when I ran into tech issues while trying to stream. As fun as making videos is, all this pressure to do my best only results contributes to even more stress.
Tonight I had the worst anxiety attack of my life. I didn't get much sleep last night due to staying up all night editing videos and further resolving the previously mentioned tech issues, I worked overtime at my day job today and work got so busy that I didn't get a chance to take lunch. During the drive home I began to hyperventilate to the point that I had to pull over and get out of my car to breath. After a few minutes I thought I was okay so I got back in the car and proceeded to drive home. This process repeated 2 more times during the course of the entire drive home.
As much as I love making videos, I feel like I am seriously putting too much pressure on myself to give you all my best. I feel like I am putting too much pressure on myself to put out daily content and I feel like all this pressure in addition to the stress of life is starting to have a negative impact on my health and well being. And as such, I think it's time to take a step back.
Now don't worry. I'm not entirely stepping away from YouTube, nor am I taking a break. I simply think I need to spend less time working on YouTube videos. Instead of putting so much pressure on myself, I'll go back to uploading when I have the time and energy. No more late nights to get out a video for the following day. No more putting deadlines on myself. And no more stressing myself out if things don't go so smoothly.
At the end of the day, I feel like this will result in both better quality content as well as a better healthier me. I wanna thank you all for your support and understanding. The #YourGeekyNation is easily one of the best communities on YouTube and I thank you all for everything you all have done for me during my 10 years as a content creator.
So to wrap this up, a tip of the day. Don't constantly pressure yourself into doing your best. Your health and well being is more important, so put that first. Besides, doing your best doesn't have to be that hard. Just do what you can and it will all work out in the end. Thank you all for taking the time to read my novel, and as always, I'll see you all next time.
|Posted on December 31, 2015 at 8:35 PM||comments (0)|
Well, here we are. Mere hours away from 2016 and let me tell you, I can't wait for it. I know I have shared a bit of the stuggles of the year with you all, but if only you knew the extent of it. 2015 has been an utter nightmare. A nightmare I would much rather forget. Even at the final stretch of 2015, the crap shoot continues to pump excrement my way. Why is that? Cause its New Years Eve and I get to spend it in bed with a cold. Yay!
Either way, I am glad that very soon I can put this year behind me and start fresh. And even though this year has been so awful, I thank you all for the support you all have shown me through this tough time. Anyway, I just wanted to wish you all a Happy New Year and look forward to the awesomeness that 2016 has to offer.
Take care everyone and I hope you all have a fantastic New Year.
|Posted on December 17, 2015 at 3:30 AM||comments (0)|
As you all know in my last blog posted HERE, I said I was back. And as my last couple videos HERE, HERE and HERE have indicated, the depression I thought I was over? SOOO not the case. Having said that, I wanted to give a status update.
Since the last vlog I posted, I am feeling a LOT better and I am eagerly awaiting the New Year. For me, the New Year will be a fresh start in my life as well as on my YouTube channel. I intend to reinvent the channel by making changes to the content. Some of which have already been made (and noticed by eagle-eyed supporters) I plan to make changes in my personal life which include taking a great interest in managing my health, finances and mental state. For me, I forsee an amazing year in 2016.
Now, I have done a couple of Periscope streams recently discussing my return but in case you missed it, I will be back January 1st, 2016. I will be posting an update video stating my return as well as changes coming to the channel including the introduction to new content, content that will be discontinued and the addition of an archive that will contain all discontinued content. So stay tuned for more details on all of that.
Bottom line, 2016 is going to be a great year. 2015 had many public and personal events that really got me down and I intend to leave 2015 behind and never look back. So to myself and all of you, I am looking forward to a fantastic 2016 and I will see you then with a newly invigorated Your Geeky Tipster™. I thank you all for being VERY understanding about my situation this year and look forward to my return.
Thanks for your continued support,
|Posted on November 8, 2015 at 6:00 PM||comments (0)|
|Posted on November 4, 2015 at 11:55 AM||comments (0)|
Anxiety. Depression. It’s not something that’s fun to deal with. It’s often misunderstood by those who don't live with it and to be honest, I am kind of glad it is. To understand it is to experience it. And I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. And for those of us who do live everyday with it, it often prevents us from being just that...ourselves.
As many of you know, I am sure, I love creating content. Making new videos for you guys is a lot of work, but it brings me great joy. Every video is a child of mine I set loose into the world and I hope that they bring you joy the same way they bring me joy. But lately, I have been slow to create content. I have been in a slump. Depression has gotten the best of me and its keeping me from doing the things I love. Hanging out with friends, playing video games, and yes...creating content for you all. And it all stems from a recent event at work.
Now I find it helps to speak openly about what ails me, so that’s what I am doing here. Sharing these kinds of things with you all is not only therapeutic, but I also think it helps bring awareness to these sorts of things that people with depression deal with every day. Plus I had a lot of concerned people reach out to me after last nights Instagram post and I wanted you all to know what was going on. Heres the deal and no...I am not suicidal. So kill that noise yo! It will take a lot more than some sad feelings to take me out! I won’t give too many details to protect the identity of anyone involved. But here is the low down.
As many of you know, I recently took some vacation time at work. More like "stay-cation" time since my wife and I really didn't go on a traditional vacation. I just took time off and we did fun stuff all week. Now as many of you also know, I work in the IT Field for a living. I provide technical support to 3 sites and anytime I take time off, even a single sick day, it backs me up a lot on work. Not only that, but I feel bad taking time off since people often have to wait for me to get back to get their issues resolved. I don't find that the other techs I work with have these types of feelings when they take time off, so I feel this too is a side effect of my depression and anxiety.
So with that in mind, I made sure to visit each of my sites the week before I went on vacation and resolve every high-priority issue they had and address all of their concerns. One site in particular I spent 3 of the 5 days at to make sure everything important was taken care of for them, leaving no stone unturned. I take great pride in my work and felt I was leaving all my sites in great shape before taking time off. So off on vacation I went.
Now, there is often something I hate doing when I take time off. But never the less, I always do it. What is that you ask? Check my work emails when I should be enjoying my vacation. I managed to not do so almost the entire week off. But the Thursday before I returned, I logged in and checked my emails. I noticed my boss had scheduled a meeting with me. Now lately there has been a lot of shuffling in our department, so I assumed I was just being relocated to new sites. Something I was open to the idea of, but still very anxious about. And admittedly, the meeting was on my mind during the rest of my vacation and sort of prevented me from enjoying the remainder of it. Even worse, the meeting wasn't even until the following Wednesday. So I would have to work for 2 days wondering what it would be about. It doesn't seem like that big a deal to most, but if you have anxiety and depression issues like I do, it seems like an eternity.
So Wednesday finally comes and I go to the meeting. I already have my mind set on the fact that I am moving to new sites and the only anxiety left in me revolved around where I was headed. But for the most part, I was calm. He had me close the door and sit down and he proceeded to tell me what the meeting was about...it wasn't about moving to new sites.
Apparently in my absence, he was visiting one of my sites to discuss the installation of some new computers when the higher-ups at the site expressed concerns about my work ethic. They felt I was turning away work and that I was putting off some of the tasks I was expected to perform. My heart sank. I always put forth 110% when I do my job and take great pride in my work. I always address concerns in a timely manner and leave no issue unattended to. So who was upset and why? Then he let me know.
It was the site I had spent 3 days at before vacation. This surprised me as this year a lot has gone on at this site and I have made leaps and bounds to assist this site in particular with their needs. The environment there is very hectic and stressful for everyone right now. A lot of staff changes have been occurring recently and this has made everyone on edge. Being an understanding person, I have tried to step up my game at this site to at least ease the stress levels in regards to the situations I have control over, meaning their technical issues. I have literally gone out of my way to make their lives as pleasant as possible. So why the complaint? My boss continued.
My boss proceeded to give me examples of their concerns and for each one, I had a prompt response. Having heard my side of the sorry, my boss was very understanding and saw no issue with their initial concerns. In fact, he informed me that when they brought these concerns to his attention that he responded with, "This doesn't sound at all like Robert, but I will look into it". He knows I work hard to do my best work and I always do so with a smile and utmost professionalism. So admittedly, he was a bit skeptical about the complaint. But he is a thorough man and setup a meeting with me.
In the end, the meeting resulted in no disciplinary action, nor was it ever on the table to begin with. Just a simple conversation, a bit of clarification, some compliments on my work ethic and a few suggestions for areas of improvement. No harm done. So why I am so down? Well that’s where depression and anxiety come into play.
I later found out that they made some comments to another tech that filled in for me in my absence. Apparently they said, "This is the most attention we've got in a long time." I knew this statement was false, but that combined with the meeting started to make me question my work ethic. It made me question whether or not I should be proud of the work I am doing. Am I really a good employee? Do I not do enough?
Deep inside I know I am a good worker. My father raised me to always do my best work and my mother reinforced those views in me. And as a result, those views have made me who I am today. Somebody who never settles for less and always gives my best. So I know these comments about me were not entirely accurate. They likely misinterpreted something I said or possibly didn't like my response to a request. And I am also understanding of the climate there at the site. With all the changes going on and the stress levels rising, it’s possible they were in a position where something minor would easily set them off and I just happened to be the one they opened up on. Whatever the case may be, my boss is happy with my level of dedication to my work and I am positive I always do my best. But the anxiety and depression makes it difficult to not think negatively about myself after this experience.
I know that several of you will read this and think, “What’s the big deal!? You didn’t even get in trouble! Screw those people who complained and get over it!!!’ And I wish it were that easy. But the struggle is real and it’s something many people deal with every day. Here is another example…
A while back I did a vlog talking about how my bank card was compromised and the bank had to send me a new card and temporarily freeze my account. No big deal. People encounter this sort of thing every day. But in the comments, many people were confused about why I took it so hard. Why was I so down about it and so stressed over a minor setback in life? Anxiety and depression does this to you. It makes us turn ant hill sized problems into mountains. And as much as we know these situations aren’t that big a deal, we can’t help but feel like we somehow failed to do something right. Or we worry when we really shouldn’t. We feel stress when there is no reason to be stressed. I got a little side tracked in this paragraph, but…you get the idea.
Bottom line, I know that with time I will overcome this whole situation with the complaint at work. But here and now, this minor setback is bringing me lots of grief and keeping me from my passions that bring me such joy. I often drive home after work and think to myself, "I'm going to get back on the horse and shoot a new video today!" But then I pull into the driveway and that drive to do so has faded. It’s been a rough few years for me to be honest and throughout that time, I have gone through many things that have caused my depression to go from 0 to 60 in a flash. I’ve had several family members pass away, ran into financial difficulties, experienced feelings of doubt about what I have done with my life and suffered separations with loved ones that continues to bring me great sadness. And with time I will get through it all. But here and now, it’s a struggle. A struggle I have to keep pushing through.
So I hope you all understand about my situation. I know to many it will seem like small potatoes, but to someone who deals with the struggles that I do, it will be all too familiar. Just send your best wishes my way and know that I will be back soon. I miss you guys all so much and hope to be back creating amazing content for you all real soon.
Much love to the #YourGeekyNation,